It’s Valentine’s Day, so let me just grab my vomit bucket for a moment. Sorry about that, but I never quite saw the appeal of this day. If you like somebody, you do so every day, and a Hallmark Holiday isn’t needed for you to show that. Being threatened by a boot in the face for not getting a postcard with hearts is just mindboggling. However, spending time with your loved one should be essential. And not just on this special day.
Why, just the other day I spent 5 hours looking at John Marston, whipping his way through the wild west. Handsome isn’t he? He isn’t the only one as there are a plethora of video game characters we would totally go out with. Whether it’s a Wine and Chit Chat kind of date, or Netflix and Chill, you can enjoy the evening besides them, and always come back for more.
And while you pick your way to celebrate this holiday, we will provide you with candidates to invite. So slap on that tie, pluck a rose, and come with us, as we give you the top 10 video game characters we would totally date. Oh, and if you take this article seriously, by any means, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
10. Francis York Morgan (Deadly Premonition)
Francis isn’t a common name for a bad boy, but don’t think that Mr. York is out of style. In fact, he’s got it plenty, and with a sprinkle of mystery on top. Being an FBI agent is no easy work. Managing all kinds of government secrets may look dull, but I’m sure Francis here has some spicy stories to start of the evening.
While you might begin the evening with a little dinner, if you get close enough to his heart, he will invite you to his place. There, he might spill some more intimate stories of his past work before you inevitably fall head over heels for him. Francis has a badass scar to back up his action-packed stories and what lady, or gentleman, doesn’t like a good injury?
9. Catherine de Medici (Civilization 6)
We only have one spot on this list for an Italian and, unfortunately, Ezio, you’ve been replaced. Being a French Queen of Italian origins certainly has its perks. First, the woman has a grasp of not one, but two cultures. So if you don’t feel like spaghetti and meatballs, you can always just chill with a french baguette. Catherine also seems to be always next to a glass of champagne, so you know she likes to party hard if you know what I mean.
She may have a bit of a pompous attitude and require you to go all out on your wallet. But what did you expect from one of the most powerful women in history? That you would drink Dom Perignon without spending a single penny? Make a little sacrifice, and she might just allow you to view her art collection. Wink, wink.
8. Ada Wong (Resident Evil)
Miss Wong isn’t your typical girl. She likes to play hard to get, and in the world of Resident Evil, you need a tone of attitude to stand next to the hunky Mr. X. Ada manages that, with her Catwoman-like approach. And much like the Gotham Femme Fatale, manages to steal our hearts. She can be very seductive, toying with you, for maximum pleasure. Then again, she can also be somewhat emotional if you wanna take things slow.
And while she may have some emotional baggage, not being able to get rid of that stupid Leon, you can still win her over. Just invite her to your place, with the promise of some valuable info for her secret employers, and you’re halfway there. Now pop out the wine, and… Where is she? Left through the window? Oh, Ada, not again.
7. Kratos (God of War)
On the subject of baggage, Kratos has a ton of it. Killing the entire Greek pantheon isn’t a small feat, and it tends to leave some psychological marks on the poor fellow. Then, he tried to live a healthy life, along with his new wife and son, but he just couldn’t catch a break. The good news is, he is single. The bad news, his wife died, so you might wanna go easy on him.
Maybe send the BOI to his room and help him relax with his favorite combination of Triangle-Square-Circle. Or just go for a casual treatment of beard trimming. You can even go out and build a snowman, or just bask in the winter wonderland that is the Nordic lands. And if you really want the most reliable option, take him out for a quick deer hunt. That should help him, and you get on his gentle side.
6. Cassandra (Dragon Age Inquisition)
Cassandra is one tough cookie. But you can’t fool us, Cassandra, beneath it all we know you have a soft spot. A warrior from birth, and a romantic by heart, this one will be hard to breach. Cassandra is independent, reliable, and has the heart of a lioness. Many would view her as a bit of a tomboy. And while her cause is always her main priority, she does still want to be seen as a woman. To be read poems and to enjoy a lovely picnic in the woods, for somebody to show her A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
So while it may take time, sticking by her side while fighting all matter of beasts is a good start. When she gets familiar with you, it’s then you go hard. If you persist and maintain a romantic attitude, she will jump you then and there. So have faith, and hope a new Blight comes, so you can have your chance with this lioness.
5. Goose (Untitled Goose Game)
Being a Goose is not an easy life to lead, I should know. We are a stubborn bunch, who asserts dominance from the beginning and asks that you simply obey. Yet we aren’t picky when it comes to gender, taste, or looks. We might just take you for a small swim, or maybe a walk in the park with some romantic music. Hell, if you get a bit peckish, we can provide you with a pure source of nutrition.
Yes, we tend to go out of our way to be perfectionists and honk about it if one thing doesn’t work. But, I can guarantee you will have a blast. And with such a hunky body, you know that this piece of candy is gonna satisfy. I hope you don’t mind the honking, though.
4. Shovel Knight (Shovel Knight)
Everybody loves a hardworking man or woman. One that works in the fields all day, and provides not only for you and your family but the whole of society. Shovel Knight perfectly fits this description. Working his…um shovel skills…in the field, after coping with the disappearance of his beloved partner Shield Knight. It’s also a perfect time for you to go out there and attempt to take his heart. You can try and cozy up to him, at his campfire, or even indulge him with some shield cosplay.
In return, you can expect him to pay a lot of attention to you. Showering you with all kinds of jewels and diamonds he acquired during his traveling days. He may occasionally go to battle the Order of no Quarter. But, if you play your cards right, and have a reliable Shield outfit, he just might give you a spin before he retires for the evening.
3. Triss Merigold (The Witcher)
We had only one spot on this list for a Witcher character, and while the man-candy Geralt was a near pick, we had to give the spot to Triss. Redheads are a special kind that melts hearts. You can argue that the way she treated Geralt, in the games, wasn’t all that nice. Lying to him about Yennefer, only so she can have that man-candy for herself. So what she needs is somebody proper to help her forget him, somebody like you.
We saw how cheerful and romantic she can be, and you have to be blind not to admire her in a dress. She isn’t just a catch for the eye. Being an advisor to a former king, Triss displayed just how smart she is, as well as beautiful. With magic at her disposal, superior intellect, and gorgeous looks, this is a win for everyone. Granted, you should at least bleach your hair white.
2. Manny Calavera (Grim Fandango)
Manuel Manny Calavera “breathes” class and style. While we are not supporting necrophilia, one cannot argue that for Manny, we would make an exception. This man, or skeleton, has done everything. He worked as a corporate salesman, was a cafe owner, and a captain. And throughout his many experiences maintained a certain charm that makes us fall for him. The exact bio of the character states that he is of Spanish origin, when he was, you know, alive.
And we all know how passionate the Spanish can be. He can sell you a deal on his unforgettable cruise, and then take you out to dinner, all with a rose in his, um, teeth. His experience also shows he is quite handy. Meaning that if he ever pops a ring on that finger of yours, you will be secured for life. You can bone with that, is all I’m saying.
1. Nathan Drake (Uncharted)
There could be no other than our BOI, Nathan Drake. The dream man-candy we all wish we could possess. While he might have some commitment issues, if correctly romanced, the lovable guy will settle down. And he is okay with putting aside his treasure hunting days for you. As in his eyes, you’re the ultimate treasure he needs. He can cook, clean, work hard, pay bills with all the gold he stole, and be a generally nice person to hang around with.
His charming personality only further convinces us he is the right choice, and just imagine what crazy shenanigans he can pull you into. Again, wink, wink. They don’t say Greatness From Small Beginnings for nothing, you know. So take our advice, and just look at him for what he is. He is the closest thing to a real-life hunk we all would like. Well done, you beautiful video game protagonist.
Editor’s note: The views and fetishes (particularly the goose one) expressed in this article are those of the author and are not necessarily representative of FictionTalk as a whole. Probably.
The Ultimate Agent of Chaos. Honks at every type of media. The Unhinged Goose