Non-player characters: whether you’re cussing them out in Call of Duty campaigns or befriending them in Animal Crossing, you’re bound to run into them at some point or another. Today, I’d like to pose a question seldom asked by the casual gamer: could I, a 6’1″ seventeen-year-old with close to zero muscle mass take (x) NPC in a fight?
First, let’s set some ground rules: the NPC can’t use any weapons. Otherwise, the fights would be even less fair than they already are. Skills and powers are allowed, just to shake things up. No power-ups, though.
Just to reiterate: I am fighting these NPCs with no extra abilities myself. No power-ups, no nothing (although I suppose adrenaline could be considered a power-up, I’m gonna give myself that).
In the words of the late 80’s arcade game: FIGHT!
Goombas – Mario Bros.
Starting off easy, we have the angry mushrooms that populate the aptly named Mushroom Kingdom. According to an unofficial source, Goombas are around 20 inches tall. Although these guys are less than two feet off the ground, one has to remember that in most cases, merely touching one will result in instant death.
If you’ve ever played the game before, you know that the best way to kill a Goomba is to jump directly on top of them. With this information, I had a friend measure how high I could jump: around three-and-a-half feet–plenty high enough to squash some ‘shrooms. In this match-up. I forecast a swift victory.
The Red Dudes – Superhot
In this game you play as a highly-skilled hero who can manipulate time. Unfortunately, I am none of those things.
The Superhot NPCs are blank slates of anger who will attack you mercilessly until you take them out. I like walks in the park, reading quietly, and having fun online. I honestly just don’t see a world where I could win this one, even if the guy wasn’t armed.
GLaDOS – Portal
The Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System is a sadistic A.I. from one of the most popular games out there. But how does the deadly intelligence and the dude who writes stuff on the internet stack up against one another?
Due to the no weapons rule, let’s take away the neurotoxin, the sentries, and the turrets. This essentially means that I would be fighting a big robot structure.
Honestly, this feels like a draw. I wouldn’t be able to do much damage against it, and without weapons, it wouldn’t be able to harm me in any spectacular sense. GG.
Any Soldier From The Call Of Duty Series – Call of Duty (Obviously)
This may seem like an oversimplification, but to be fair, I could break down any potential match-up, and the result would be the same. They are soldiers. I have a decent following on social media. It isn’t gonna end well for me.
Lakitu – Mario Kart
I’m kind of torn here. On the one hand, the existence of a cloud turtle man that’s disappointed in my failings makes me irrationally angry. On the other hand, the cute shell boy supports me no matter what. I think that this would be better resolved in couple’s therapy rather than the battlefield. Relationships are about communication, and it’s high time that we set ours straight.
You – IRL
That’s right, you. And I can tell you right now, it’s gonna be me hands down. Look at yourself. Are those arms or sticks? Work out. Smoke a cigarette. Become a popular science-fiction author. Make something of yourself. Didn’t expect a beatdown, huh? You may be thinking, “This doesn’t even make any sense. This article doesn’t make any sense.” Well, you read it.
NPCs aren’t supposed to be controlled, but I’ve been playing you this whole time.